Sunny Larson

The new floors in my home are tile or hard wood.  Bedrooms, family room, dining room and hallway are a dark chocolate brown wood, wide planks in different lengths, all going one way. No fancy design because I don’t like a busy room.  My theory is… if you have busy floor, lots of shit on the walls and clutter on the tables… all that busy stuff will eventually drive you crazy. If you have  plain floors and mostly bare walls the clutter on the tables doesn’t look so bad. But I am no decorator. It’s a clean mess, if that makes sense. Putting the new floors in was part of a remodeling job. For us, remodeling is cheaper than moving.

We decided to take the carpeting out ourselves.  Just look at the four corners of a carpeted room and pick one. Usually the corner is loose.  When we pulled up the old carpet it was…. well, it was…I don’t think there are words for it.  The carpet and pad were so heavy because the dirt weighed it down. And I was a vacuum freak. What the hell was I sucking up when pounds of dirt lay under the pad?  Every piece of carpet and pad was cut up in small pieces with a freezer  knife.  The pieces were put in black trash bags and dragged to the side of the house.  We tried not to make the bags too heavy, because we were afraid the trash guys would not be able to lift them. Twice a week I put out a few bags and a little cooler with cokes for the trash guys. The cooler read…LEAVE THE COOLER BUT TAKE WHAT IS INSIDE. I didn’t want to piss them off. I am a firm believer in rewards. I have to add, during the entire remodeling job we appreciated the crap they hauled away.

About a month ago, I noticed an area where the wood near the bathroom was rising. It looked warped. Ryan, who did all the remodeling, stopped over and I showed him.

He knows I don’t mince words.  “Ryan,” I said, pointing to the floor. “What the hell do you think happened here?”

“Do you leave wet towels on the floor?”

“Hell no.”

“When you clean the floor are you using too much water?”

I gave him my…. are you crazy look, and said,” You know I don’t clean unless it is necessary. So it can’t be too much water.”

“Well, how about your dogs? Do you think they are peeing here?”

“No, they know the bathroom is outside.”

“Well, I’ll come back in a few weeks and replace the boards.  I put the spare box of wood in your garage.”

When he left I felt good.  We had a problem and Ryan was coming back to fix it.

A few weeks passed and I noticed wood warping in another area, our bedroom. Maybe it’s bad glue.

“I have to lift up the wood to see the problem,” Ryan said.

“I agree. Let’s see whats going on.” I said.

With a little crow bar he dug into the wood and pulled.  And there was the problem and it wasn’t the glue. TERMITES.  Hundreds of them. If you never saw a termite, they look like maggots.  Creepy shit, crawling under the floor near my fucking bed.  I screamed so loud those little bastards must have thought… “let’s go next door.”

“Oh God, what do we do?” I yelled.

“Call a termite guy and I will duck tape this area down,” Ryan said.

“Son of a bitch,” I said.  I thought it was the glue. We have six rooms of wood floor.  They could be everywhere… eating like this was a deli.”

Ryan said, “Get a termite company out here and I will come the same day, lift the bad wood up, and put down a new floor.”

The termite guy looked at the duck tape, got down on his knees and knocked on the wood floor. It sounded hollow in some areas.

“Do you hear that hollow sound?” he asked.

“Yes,” we said.

“The hollow sound means the termites have eaten the wood. They come up through cracks in the cement from the earth. At night they go back out or down in the crack.”

“Gross… just get rid of them,” I said. Then, I took him to the other side of the house and pointed to the boards that I originally showed Ryan.

“Yep, termites are here too.”

A few days later Ryan lifted all the boards that looked warped and scraped the old glue from the cement.  The smell in the house was like wet dirt after a rain.  An hour later the termite guys drilled holes in the cement inside and outside.

I said to the termite guys, “It smells like wet wood.”

“It is wet wood, he said.  The termites eat the wood then bring in water.”

I said,”No shit…If I ate all that wood….I’d be thirsty too.”

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Ryan said, “We need more wood.  I checked the box in the garage and we need more. Hope the warehouse still carries it.”

They did and the next day it was my mission to go pick it up.

There is no other way to put it. The warehouse is in a crappy part of town.

I have no idea who does maps for MAP QUEST..the street is parallel to the expressway BUT, they advise me to drive a dangerous route.  The kind of route that I don’t plan on stopping for ANY red light.  The name of the street is Grand Avenue.  A railroad track is on one side of the street. The other side of the street are pawn shops with metal over the windows, places that sell used car parts with metal over the windows and titty bars with flashing lights. And next to the titty bars are cheap motels. The kind with the quarter machine by the side of the bed.  That’s right… you read it here.  Thank you Map Quest.  But your map should have stated, have a full tank of gas and do not wear any good jewelry in case you break down. No Starbucks …and no McDONALD’S  restaurants. I never eat there, but not one Golden Arches in sight. If the McDonald’s corporation does not put a restaurant in that area it tells me no woman or child goes down that road.

Ryan replaced the areas needed.  A few weeks passed and I stood in my walk-in closet. The closet with the HARD WOOD FLOOR.  I have a few boxes with off season clothes that I decided to move.  Hmmmm, I thought as I looked down.  The wood looks….aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ryan came back to the house. “I have to lift this piece,” he said.

“Just do it.”

And there they were again. TERMITES.  We had to repeat the whole process. PLUS, we needed more wood.  With a full tank of gas and no jewelry I headed back to the warehouse.

In case you are wondering… the titty bars are doing great business…..

Question….Have you ever had termites?